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MOVERS & SHAKERS

The snakes and ladders of society A chronicle of drama, scandal and success in London, Paris, New York and elsewhere

Ask Mrs MILF: The agony aunt who’s naughty but nice

Mrs MILF redMrs MILF took a little holiday. She’s sexually liberated and back to answer your questions. Here are her answers to a selection of questions from her latest postbag:

 

I had my bikini line waxed – a Hollywood – last week and the woman doing it, who had said very little to me during the rest of the procedure at one point when I was on all fours, with my bottom in the air, asked me what I was thinking of. Was she propositioning me?

Katie H., Cirencester, Gloucestershire

Yes.

 

Is it bad form to chat up someone on a plane and is the mile high club a myth or is it still a viable possibility?

John B., Buckingham, Buckinghamshire

Not at all. You have a captive audience since you are both heading in the same direction. Make sure you pace the conversation and take into account the duration of the journey. You will be stuck with them if you at some stage discover they have a) bad breath, b) wandering hand issues and c)  psychopathic tendencies. I do know some couples who met this way and are still happily married and moving metaphorically speaking in the same direction to this day.

 

As regards the mile high club, it is flying high. If you fancy it, you could miss out the chatting up bit and go straight to the loos.  It is possible but the best way to enjoy it properly is on long haul flights when the lights are out.

 

My husband spends a lot of time at Wentworth on the golf course and comes home saying he wants a woman with a younger looking face. What should I do?

Beatrice F., London, SW7

Have a non-surgical facelift once a month. In the London area, the company I’d recommend as having the most competitive prices is Urban Beauty Richmond. It’s ideal for South-West and Surrey types (like you) as you won’t necessarily run into any of your friends from K&C. Alternatively, teach him a lesson with a nine iron or go the whole hog, head off to see Ivo Pitanguy (who has a private island off Rio) and have the lot done. He’s the best plastic surgeon in the world. If you do this, when you come home, pack your bags and find a younger husband. That’ll teach him.

 

I fantasise about my ex husband with his new partner having sex.  Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

Tina M., Blackburn, Lancashire

This is quite common. You are either an optimist or a maso depending on whether you still love him or not. Find a new lover and forget him.

 

I recently watched the Last Tango in Paris having been told that it was an iconic sexual film but found it boring and not at all sexy.  Am I the only one who found it boring?

Bruce B., Wimbledon, SW17

No many people find it boring they just feel they should say something enigmatic about it because everyone else does. Marlon Brando walks around in a long coat a lot, Maria Schneider looks gorgeous in the hat and little else and everyone remembers the scene with the butter. They may have used marg. You get more food for your money in 9½ Weeks.

 

Mrs MILF is lady with a cupcake and a whip who will solve all your problems be they in the bedroom department or elsewhere.

 

Mrs MILF welcomes your questions for her weekly column. Please submit them to her via editorial@thesteepletimes.com. She does not enter into individual correspondence and she won’t visit your home for personal consultations. Some names have been changed to protect the modesty of the individuals and their problems.

 

 

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Comments

2 comments on “Ask Mrs MILF: The agony aunt who’s naughty but nice”

  1. I had once been a close friend of a gorgeous broad who was a nurse at a local General Hospital. I found her to be a enthusiastic woman with a positive attitude, a fanatical Christian with a good moral compass. Whilst at the time some might have found her preaching overbearing and it was clear that she could easily induce rage, she was a good judge of audience and was only punched on one occasion. Needless to say, she was a dedicated nurse; some would say a Mother Teresa figure, due to her compassionate and empathetic approach to patient wellbeing.
    Not afraid to get her hands dirty, she was always eager to learn and help and even got sober and cut back on crack in the name of her job. In this respect she was a saint and leader, one who believed in ruling with a iron fist.
    At one meeting she suggested that a senior manager “stop giggling like a little girl” The man later killed himself.
    I became very weary of her political affiliation with the Neo-Nazi movement, being a Jew, this was a concern.
    She came to her senses and terminated her membership of the movement and sought forgiveness from God for her misguided behaviour. She was an extraordinary human being, a person who bestowed Harry Potter for the devil he was. She did not believe in sex before marriage, but had good knowledge of the subject.
    She clearly had the brainpower, spirituality and personality to be a great wife. She refused to revert to my religion.
    We sadly went our own ways. Was it good riddance or did I lose out? Could Mrs Milf shed some light on this?

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