The Steeple Times chooses the 25 best and 25 worst people of the year past; Brenda from Bristol and the “second rate Delia Smith” Mary Berry are crowned our respective winners
- Mary Berry
Imagine the kind of girl you’d have slapped at school and merge it with something dreary and provincial. The nation appeared to fall for Mary Berry’s clichés in 2017 but in reality this wizened old tart just did one thing: She helped make the nation fat.
- Dr. Bernie Ecclestone
An evil dwarf often spotted in ‘Demon Headmaster-like’ glasses. His attempts to manipulate the media (and most especially the peddlers of filth the Daily Mail) against his one thoroughly decent now former son-in-law were indicative of the ramblings of a madman.
- Theresa May (Be Not)
“The worst Prime Minister in history” (according to Bruce Anderson of The Spectator). Brenda from Bristol had a thing or two to say about this dullard vicar’s daughter too.
- Ferne McCann
This pointless harlot named her child “Sunday” after her evil ex-partner, Arthur Collins, threw acid over 22 innocent individuals on a Sunday night. She then promoted beauty products on Instagram on the day he got sent down.
- Arthur Collins
Wearing a T-shirt captioned ‘Killer Candy’ is pretty ridiculous in any circumstance but that he did such to hurl acid over people he didn’t even know makes Arthur Collins the biggest cretin in Britain. He got 22 years but deserves more. Long may he rot.
- Sam Palmer
A tattooed thug boy who likes to wear Addidas. Son of a criminal Sam Palmer now dates Petra Ecclestone and went as far to invent a quote: “Today is all I have.” Classy.
- Jonathan Harmsworth (Viscount Rothermere)
Johnny Boy owns the Daily Mail. Need we say more?
- Jared Kushner
Son of a convict and an employee of Donald Trump. What a wrong-un’.
- Jayda Fransen
Britain First’s poster girl’s trademark is her badly dyed hair. She looks like something you’d find on Jeremy Kyle but she’s actually just a rather thick bigot.
- Tamara Ecclestone
Unlike her daddy, chubby Tamara Ecclestone has a rather large figure. She pretends to be “normal” (in spite of also boasting about having 50 staff) and has an “art dealer” husband whose name doesn’t appear to be on the Companies House records of the gallery he claims to own.
- Kevin Spacey
This actor ruined the House of Cards and he ruined the Old Vic.
- Chloe Green
For all the money in the world, this pig ugly trollop couldn’t even pull anything but a criminal. Disgusting to look at and disgustingly tasteless. The modern day Lady Docker crossed with Vicky Pollard.
- Paul Dacre
Britain’s nastiest journalist. Born on the same day as Prince Charles but quite a contrast to him.
- Wayne Rooney
A common moron.
- Mark Zuckerberg
The king of anti-social media.
- David Davis MP
This thick man reached a new low in 2017. He almost ran our country but now we couldn’t even trust him to run a bath.
- Sir Cliff Richard
Ever the busybody, the ‘Faithful One’s’ ramblings about his supposed innocence bored the nation this year. His calendar then only came second in the charts for sales. We are sure he’ll find a Spanish documentary to show he did actually come first like he attempted to do with Eurovision. Boo hoo!
- Kerry Katona
Miss Katona might be “Warrington’s finest export” but when she took to the stage in pantomime in 2017, she made children cry. A proper wench.
He might have a Red Amex card named after him but really he’s just an all-round tax evading disgrace.
- Hugh Grant
Captain C**t (and a terrible actor). The only decent thing he ever did was to attack the Daily Mail.
- Jeremy Hunt MP
This rotter was responsible for destroying the once great NHS. He’s like ‘Fred the Shred’ and should be sent to The Tower.
- Lady Brady
Why is it that all businesses associated with Karren Brady end in financial ruination?
- Sir James Dyson
This billionaire and destroyer of jobs in Britain likes to tell the nation that Brexit will be great. He just happens to now do most of his manufacturing in Malaysia.
- Diane Abbott MP
This poor dear couldn’t even calculate the cost of a policeman. Surely she should be prosectued for wasting police time.
- Sir Paul McCartney
Our final entry had to hit the list and for just one reason: This dyed haired nutter’s still sadly breathing.
- Brenda from Bristol
Brenda captured the mood of the nation over the General Election campaign and she captured our hearts and minds. The modern day Gillian Duffy reflected everyone’s dislike of rotten politics today.
- James Stunt
A personal choice of our editor, Matthew Steeples, James Stunt is a man who has been wrongly perceived. This is the result of the actions of the Ecclestone family, Viscount Rothermere, Geordie Greig and Paul Dacre. It is time this disgrace was righted and we expect great things from this gent in 2018.
- Anna Soubry MP
Wrongly described as an “Enemy of the People” by the rag that is the Daily Mail, Anna Soubry is, in fact, nothing but the most sensible politician in Britain.
- Lotti Henley
Despite being a nonagenarian, Lotti Henley spends her days feeding the homeless. She should have been made a Dame but Theresa May was too busy rewarding politicians instead.
- Prince Harry
An all round tip-top chap who just quite happens to like a tipple or three.
- Lady Lucan
The new Lady Lucan brings joy wherever she goes. Fie Lucan’s new clothing brand will be a true hit in 2018 and her brilliance will outshine all others.
- Lord Buckethead
Aside from spreading buckets of amusement, Lord Buckethead wiped the smirk off Theresa May’s face in Maidenhead at the 2017 General Election. It was a moment of galactic delight.
- Professor Lorna Dawson
“Soil sleuth” Lorna Dawson’s pioneering techniques have caught out many a criminal. She is an all round good egg.
- Moin Younis
Aside from defying medical opinion constantly, Moin Younis offers advice to other desperately ill children. He is an inspiration to all suffering like he himself has to endure. He does it with dignity.
- John Le Carré
This gentleman called Brexit “jingoistic” and also said he’d said no to a knighthood. He is a breath of fresh air in this land of staidness.
- Colin Kaepernick
A social activist in sport, Colin Kaepernick’s stance against Donald Trump highlighted a just and right cause. Will the real Slim Shady please stand down?
- Agnes Gund
A kind hearted and gracious philanthropist who sold a Lichtenstein to fund her campaign to reduce mass incarceration in the United States in 2017. Top dollar.
- Ivanka Trump
A beauty and voice of reason in an otherwise insane and ridiculous family.
- Baroness Trumpington
Loopy but lovely.
- Ariana Grande
Returning to Manchester after the terror attack there showed courage and decency. Her music might be of questionable quality, but Ariana Grande is a truly great woman.
- Meghan Markle
Unlike ‘Waity Katie,’ Meghan Markle has been independently successful. She will bring new energy to the royal family.
- Tim Peake
Tim Peake put British spacemen on the map. He has inspired children and is the opposite of aloof.
- Keith Richards
It’s just amazing he’s still breathing.
- Ben Goldsmith
An environmental crusader and always a voice of reason.
- Uri Geller
A brilliantly talented mind and one with many hidden depths. His new museum will be a ‘must visit’ in 2018.
- Laura Kuenssberg
Despite being disgracefully harassed by trolls, Laura Kuenssberg did not retreat into the shadows. A journalist of courage and distinction.
- Lyle and Erik Menendez
Two brothers who did not get justice for the abuse they received. Separated since 1996 and incarcerated for far too long, it is time the wrongs of their parents were put right. Have they not suffered enough?
- Michael Bloomberg
This former Mayor of New York created many jobs in Britain in 2017. He is a decent man and he is the one that should have been the 45th POTUS.
- Sir Mo Farah
Wrongly pilloried and trolled by so many, Sir Mo Farah reacted with good humour and grace.
- Larry David
Curb Your Enthusiasm rocks. That is all.
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