Sat Mar 23, 2019 London
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MOVERS & SHAKERS

The snakes and ladders of societyA chronicle of drama, scandal and success in London, Paris, New York and elsewhere

Ask Mrs MILF: The agony aunt who’s naughty but nice

Mrs MILF redThis week, Mrs MILF deals with men who spend a lot of time at car washes, Facebook sexting, disciplining servants, affairs in Gloucestershire and love rat fathers.

 

My husband spends a lot of time visiting car washes with his pride and joy, a Bentley GTC. I’ve heard about ‘dogging’ but does something akin to this go on at car washes?

Yolanda D., London, W8

No. He has a relationship with his car and probably strokes it a lot.  Most men who have a psuedo sexual relationship with their vehicle, though, prefer to clean it by hand. There is more potential to stroke it with a chamois. And never wax. For such men it is an opportunity to move his hands along her firm curves, get under her bonnet, test the clutch and rev the engine. Blah, sexual innuendo, blah, sexual innuendo, blah.

 

As for dogging, the point is that you have to take the risk of being watched. In a car wash, unless the person watching is in the car, it is difficult or potentially dangerous to do so. He has a thing for his car and is too lazy to do it by himself. It’s just lazy car porn.

 

I keep getting messages on Facebook from an Indian woman who tells me “u look hot”. I don’t know her but her pictures are wonderfully seductive. Am I falling for a scam or could this be for real? I am a true optimist but do I risk getting my heart broken?

Jeremy F., London, SW10

I have seen your photo. You do look ‘hot’ but as in ‘sweaty’. The photo she has on her profile looks like Rosie Whittington Huntingdon (or whatever her name is). Actually, now I look closer… It is RHW.

 

My husband cheated on me 5 years ago. I’ve found out he has a child with the woman concerned and now I’ve found out that he’s been texting this woman – who used to be my friend too – late at night. How can I stop him leaving me?

Helen A., Claygate, Surrey

Emotionally he seems to have half left you already. The fact that he’s not moved out is either because he has a reputation to uphold (and given who you are, this could indeed become front page news) or he is comfortable with the situation and is lying to her as well as to you about his ‘real feelings’.

 

Alternatively, he’s planning to leave you so, if that’s the case, you should identify what you want from the marriage on a material, emotional and spiritual level. You’ll need to realise that your husband is no longer your friend and just a person who will support you and your children financially and legally.

 

Have no contact with the woman. Don’t be tempted to appeal to her “better nature”. Knowing this ‘lady’, I can assure you she doesn’t have one. A woman who is your ‘friend’ whilst mothering your husband’s child has about the same level of emotional and moral autism as your husband. You’ll be better off without the both of them.

 

I’ve recently become stupidly rich and decided to take on some servants to make sure everybody knows it. Does anyone know how often I should beat them and if so should I use a piece of birch or a leather thwacky thing?

News Toad, London, SW1

This is against the law but if you really must do it, let them do it to you.

 

My husband says he has met someone else and has been seeing her for “only three months”. Should I believe him?

Shelley B., Ampney Knowle, Gloucestershire

No. If he is actually admitting it, it will have been for much longer. The number is right but given how long you’ve been living amongst the “Glossie Possie”, it’s probably years.

 

Mrs MILF is lady with a cupcake and a whip who will solve all your problems be they in the bedroom department or elsewhere.

 

Mrs MILF welcomes your questions for her weekly column. Please submit them to her via editorial@thesteepletimes.com. She does not enter into individual correspondence and she won’t visit your home for personal consultations. Some names have been changed to protect the modesty of the individuals and their problems.

 

 

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Comments

4 comments on “Ask Mrs MILF: The agony aunt who’s naughty but nice”

  1. Ruben Schmill invented a game called “Jewish Roulette” The rules of the game was as follows: He paid for a prostitute, he takes her into a public telephone booth, calls the Police, and sees who comes first.
    He was a disgrace to the Jewish community of Brooklyn. His own father disowned him.
    Can Mrs Milf shed some light on this.

  2. Dear Mrs MILF

    I am a shy Old Etonian looking to make his way in the world using a leg up. Do you think I should do this by riding ginger horses, lying about Boxing Day lunches, or invading Syria in order to free a Mr Muslin Brather-Hoode?

    Also how do I lose some weight?

    Confused
    London SW1

  3. Tessa Jowell debated on Newsnight that the lack of women on the board of directors in the banking sector led to the dire banking crisis and collapse. She stated; “that had it been Lever Sisters instead of Lever Brothers, we would be in a state of prosperity” Tessa should know she was married to David Mills.
    Mrs Milf on the board of directors of a financial institution will make a lot of business sense, her risk assessment abilities and her knowledge of the golden rule “What goes up, must come down” The Banks will never be in any kind of deficits, ever again.
    Mrs Milf do it, for Queen and Country.

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