Sat May 18, 2019 London
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MOVERS & SHAKERS

The snakes and ladders of societyA chronicle of drama, scandal and success in London, Paris, New York and elsewhere

Don’t be a mug, vote Toby Jug

That the late Lord Toby Jug’s approach to politics make more sense than we’ve currently got says a lot about where we are now in Britain

Today, The Times published an insightful obituary about the life of Lord Toby Jug (born Brian Borthwick, 18th December 1965 – 2nd May 2019). It is something both Jeremy Corbyn and Theresa May should read and it is a tribute that might knock some ‘sense’ into the pair of them.

 

A member of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party from 1987 to 2014 (he was expelled for justly making insulting remarks about Nigel Farage and JD Wetherspoons, a business owned by the bonkers Brexiteer Tim Martin), Jug set up his own Eccentric Party of Great Britain in January 2015.

 

Clad in his trademark leopard-skin blazer and wearing a top hat that had belonged to Screaming Lord Sutch, Jug, if ever elected, planned to replace sleeping policemen with members of the House of Lords and proposed “that for every selfie taken the photographer must read ten books.” He argued to put strong glue in lip balm to tackle obesity and suggested “immigration would be reduced by placing giant photos of Russell Brand or Katie Hopkins at airports “to discourage foreigners from entering Britain.”

 

Don’t be a mug, vote Toby Jug – Lord Toby Jug (born Brian Borthwick, 18th December 1965 – 2nd May 2019) spoke a great deal of sense – That the late Lord Toby Jug’s approach to politics make more sense than we’ve currently got says a lot about where we are now in Britain.

Bonkers to his core, an alcoholic and backed by Adrian Bayford – a record shop owner who won £148 million on the lottery in 2012 – “sweet, honest man with a kind soul” Jug “pledged to tackle the demise of the county’s red squirrels by covering half the grey squirrel population with red paint” when he stood against the then Conservative leader Michael Howard in 2005.

 

A man prone to “hallucinations and imaginary encounters with Cromwell and Winston Churchill,” Jug once said: “Jekyll and Hyde were lucky, because there were only two of them,” Jug appointed his guitar – ‘Brenda the Fender’ his deputy leader. He suggested Boris Johnson was “too much of an extremist [to become a member of the Eccentric Party]… a tad too bonkers” and proposed “MPs work from home and connect electronically to a virtual parliament, with the savings being used to benefit the homeless, who would be housed in the Palace of Westminster.”

 

Here indeed was someone who actually spoke a degree of sense. We most definitely think he’d have done better at handling the Brexit negotiations than Theresa May and we now also suggest that Lord Buckethead takes up Jug’s mantle. Today, we suggest Lord Buckethead for the next leader of the Eccentric Party.

 

Some of the policies of the late Lord Toby Jug’s Eccentric Party of Great Britain:

 

A GCSE in lying will be created.

 

iPads, smartphones, X-boxes etc will come with a slot metre to reduce the amount of time kids are glued to these gadgets, once they’ve run out of money they can be chucked outside to get fitter playing sport, this will end childhood obesity.

 

We’ll nationalise paid for public toilets so they’re free to use.

 

The national debt with will be paid off with credit cards.

 

We will nationalise crime to make sure it doesn’t pay.

 

All locks will be made out of bra fasteners.

 

15% off of phone bills for people who stutter.

 

Discarded chewing gum that blights our streets, will be used to fill in all the pot holes on our roads.

 

We will complicate Britain’s tax system even more so that large companies can no longer find money-saving loopholes.

 

All swimming pools will be drained once a week for non-swimmers.

 

People who allow their dogs to poo on the pavement without cleaning it up should be forced to wear it as a moustache.

 

Anyone found guilty of homophobic hate crime has to serve their sentence in drag.

 

Eastenders will come with free Prozac.

 

Text lanes for mobile phone users will be introduced for pedestrians to stop them walking into lampposts.

 

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Comments

3 comments on “Don’t be a mug, vote Toby Jug”

  1. A shame he wasn’t able to come and stand Down Under!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We also need politicos like him here in Oz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’d share a Castlemaine or ten with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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