Tue Jul 16, 2019 London
X

The Steeple Times is an online magazine with a following of upto 880,000 unique views per day on our best day yet.

  • We have 91,000 daily subscribers by email.

  • We typically average around 320,000 unique views per day.

  • We currently have 65 contributing authors who range from students to the actor, writer and producer Steven Berkoff and the champion jockey Frankie Dettori.

Combining a mix of society's last word and both wit and wisdom, The Steeple Times covers food, drink and fine dining as well as luxury, travel, the arts, individuals of influence and current affairs in the United Kingdom, America and elsewhere. We are best described as being akin to "a cross between The Huffington Post and Private Eye".

 

The magazine's following is affluent, engaged and international. With 41% of readers coming from the UK and 38% from America, The Steeple Times also has strong presence within Canadian, Italian, German and Australian territories.

 

EDITORIAL

Editorial comment from Matthew Steeples Our editor tells it like it is and he rarely minces his words

Twittering S-Pam

Pam Ayres makes a poem of Matthew Steeples

 

Yesterday, I found myself listening to a self-proclaimed “writer, broadcaster and entertainer” named Pam Ayres on BBC Radio 4.

 

Pam Ayres

An example of her style numbers:

 

“I am sittin’ on the sofa. By the fire and stayin’ in. Me head is free of comfort. And me nose is free of skin. Me friends have run for cover, They have left me pale and sick. With me pockets full of tissues. And me nostrils full of Vick.”

 

I recall having first encountered the supposed “humour “of Ms Ayres, whom the Daily Telegraph once described as “the doyenne of doggerel,” at a dinner hosted by The Lady Taverners at The Savoy some years ago. As Ayres droned on, an American lady at my table tapped me on the shoulder and said: “What the hell is this strange woman on about?” Having never heard of this “poet,” I shrugged and simply responded: “I haven’t got a clue.” When, in desperation, it was suggested we vacate to the bar, I embraced the idea with gusto. Sat there with an extremely strong martini, I felt well again.

 

That, I assumed, would be the last my poor ears heard from Ayres but sadly it was not to be. Radio 4, which I listen to throughout the day, have chosen to give her airtime and yesterday, when she came on, the first comment from my friend Charles was: “Oh God, not her, she terrified me even when I was a kid.” The unwelcome ghostly voice of an evening past had returned to my life.

 

Having had my fill, I thought I’d share my thoughts with my Twitter followers and posted the following:

 

“I have to say @PamAyres is quite possibly the most tedious person on @BBCRadio4. Her attempt at “humour” is cringeworthy and annoying.”

 

Within minutes, I’d been bombarded with hatemail from furious fans of Ayres. Most curiously amongst them were missives from the former game show panelist Annabel Giles (@Annabel_Giles) and “Britain’s premiere [sic] Nazi hunter” Alan Stoob (@nazihunteralan). Plainly Ayres is “much loved” in all manner of circles.

 

Later, a poem came from the woman herself. It reads as follows:

 

This geezer Matthew Steeples (May he rot in K & C)

Has posted on his twitterfeed a photograph of me

And with my blameless heifers he has held us up to shame,

I may heal in time. The cows will NEVER be the same.

 

“Blummin’ ‘ell:” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Never could I have imagined that I’d find myself immortalised in a poem by Pam Ayres.

 

Learn more about Pam Ayres at: http://www.pamayres.com or follow her on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/ayrespam She might even pen a verse in your honour if you’re, erm, lucky.

Comments

5 comments on “Twittering S-Pam”

  1. What a scream ! Pam is wonderful..how best to cope with unwelcome publicity than to pen a witty doggerel. Good for her. This is a hugely funny story, I’ve been busy outlining my virgin article to the Steeple Times ( secret topic) and had no idea about Charles’s comment. I’m going to chuckle all night long.

    Pam Ayres is a national treasure…I do hope she pens a poem about me.

    1. Monima – the Wizard from Wales – has many tales
      She’d share without too much urgin’
      But for the Steeple Times the secret’s out
      She’s just a literary virgin

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *