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Author: Matthew Steeples

October 19, 2019

Lowbrow Lizzie

by Matthew Steeples

Rugby star Danny Cipriani to sue ageing desperado WAG Lizzie Cundy’s publishers over her tawdry claims about bedding him There’s lowbrow and then there’s the country’s leading knicker flasher, Lizzie Cundy.   With news that Soho Friday Media, the publishers of Cundy’s Tales From The Red Carpet, are being sued for breaches of privacy and … Continue reading “Lowbrow Lizzie”

October 18, 2019

A Must March

by Matthew Steeples

‘The Steeple Times’s’ Matthew Steeples urges readers to join the Together for the Final Say People’s Vote March in London tomorrow I’m not normally one for protest marches and generally find them to be annoying and the source of great inconvenience, but tomorrow I’ll be joining the Together for the Final Say People’s Vote March … Continue reading “A Must March”

October 16, 2019

Making a Cameron Of It

by Matthew Steeples

Booksellers and the public alike mock David Cameron’s ‘For The Record’ memoirs by placing it next to titles about failing and adding comments to its cover David Cameron called a referendum that was not needed and when, after barely putting in any effort, he didn’t win, he walked away.   Now, after receiving a reported … Continue reading “Making a Cameron Of It”

October 14, 2019

Real News

by Matthew Steeples

As dimwitted Dawn Ward suggests ‘The Steeple Times’ is short of news, publicist for animal charity backed by the Trumps brands us “fake news” George Orwell once stated: “Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed; everything else is public relations” and plainly in the last seventy-two hours, The Steeple Times has achieved … Continue reading “Real News”

October 11, 2019

Rock Off

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples slams Rescue Dogs Rock NYC for allowing the wife of the elephant slayer Eric Trump to host its fundraiser Rescue Dogs Rock NYC plainly doesn’t care about anything other than getting itself publicity and grandstanding with individuals that most frankly anyone decent would simply avoid.   In allowing the wife of the sick … Continue reading “Rock Off”

October 10, 2019

Cavernous Caversham

by Matthew Steeples

Grade II listed stately home in 93 acres of parkland in Reading, Berkshire for sale for just £174 per square foot Situated just 40 miles from Central London, a 114,996 square foot manor house in 93 acres of formal gardens and parkland has been relisted for sale freehold at a price of £20 million.   … Continue reading “Cavernous Caversham”

October 9, 2019

A Trump Hole

by Matthew Steeples

In sharing images of herself digging a hole at the White House yesterday, Melania Trump gave rise to theories about what she was really upto Melania Trump isn’t known for her intellect, but in sharing images of herself digging up soil next to the White House’s tennis court yesterday with her 3.4 million Instagram followers … Continue reading “A Trump Hole”

Mrs Filthy Piece of Toerag

by Matthew Steeples

Interviewed by Sky News’ Sophy Ridge on 6th October 2019 in Boris Johnson’s Uxbridge constituency, this purple coated pensioner didn’t mince her words. When Ridge approached her to ask about the Prime Minister, the response was clear: “Don’t you mention that name in front of me, that filthy piece of toerag.” She has since been … Continue reading “Mrs Filthy Piece of Toerag”

October 8, 2019

An Oligarch’s Lair

by Matthew Steeples

Tuscan villa previously owned by Russian oligarch turned fugitive offered in bankruptcy sale; once valued at £16.3 million, bids of £6.5 million are now sought A 35,520 square foot 15th century Tuscan villa with 15 bedrooms and 14 bathrooms that was previously owned by a Russian tycoon is being offered in a fire sale for … Continue reading “An Oligarch’s Lair”

October 7, 2019

Arrest Anne

by Matthew Steeples

Anne Sacoolas should not be able to evade justice simply because she is married to a US diplomat; she should be brought back to Britain immediately argues Matthew Steeples American diplomat’s wife Anne Sacoolas (nee Goodwin), 42, crashed her car on the wrong side of the road at Park End, Croughton, Northamptonshire and killed a … Continue reading “Arrest Anne”

No Joke Joker

by Matthew Steeples

That Warner Brothers decided to use a song by the incarcerated paedophile Gary Glitter in their new film ‘Joker’ is utterly disgraceful suggests Matthew Steeples “Public hate figure” Gary Glitter is a monster. There’s no doubt about that and given he was jailed in 1999 for downloading thousands of items of child porn, deported from … Continue reading “No Joke Joker”

October 6, 2019

Eating for Elephants

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples hosts a dinner to raise funds for the International Fund for Animal Welfare’s elephant conservation work at Granger & Co. Chelsea On 30th September, The Steeple Times’ Matthew Steeples and the International Fund for Animal Welfare’s Richard Marriott gathered an eclectic group of friends and supporters to raise funds to support the charity’s … Continue reading “Eating for Elephants”

October 5, 2019

Hideous ‘Headmaster Harvey’

by Matthew Steeples

As “kinky ex MP” and lover of canes Harvey Proctor storms out of a BBC interview, he again shows himself as nothing but an arrogant, self-entitled prick Harvey Proctor is a bit like the cat that ate the canary. This self-satisfied wazzock may have been vindicated over the false allegations made by Carl Beech, but … Continue reading “Hideous ‘Headmaster Harvey’”

October 4, 2019

Motoring Gin

by Matthew Steeples

Grade I listed Jacobean manor house on the Dorset-Somerset border for sale for the price of 170,000 bottles of gin; it comes with its own distillery and a private car museum also Owned by the Harbin family for 399 years until 2007, the 62.04-acre Newton House estate at Newton Surmaville stands partly in Dorset and … Continue reading “Motoring Gin”

A Gingerly Roller

by Matthew Steeples

1927 Rolls-Royce Phantom I originally owned by Edward VIII for sale; it comes with a bottle of Berry Bros. & Rudd’s The Kings Ginger Richard Biddulph of Vintage & Prestige Classic Cars gives away a bottle of Berry Bros. & Rudd’s The King’s Ginger liqueur with the cars he sells, but in the case of … Continue reading “A Gingerly Roller”

October 3, 2019

Wally of the Week – Lady Borwick

by Matthew Steeples

Lady Borwick makes a fool of herself on Sky News yet again and shows her lack of knowledge of historical sequence; meanwhile her son finds himself embroiled in the Jennifer Arcuri-Boris Johnson scandal “They seek her here, they seek her there, Sky News seeks her everywhere” seems to be applicable to Lady ‘Call Me Victoria’ … Continue reading “Wally of the Week – Lady Borwick”

October 2, 2019

MeGain’s Mail Mess

by Matthew Steeples

The Duchess of Sussex’s decision to sue the Mail on Sunday is the wrong course of action; she ought to instead make peace with her family suggests Matthew Steeples In deciding to sue the Mail on Sunday the Duchess of Sussex has again got it wrong. Yes, this woman has a right to be angry … Continue reading “MeGain’s Mail Mess”

Gaylord Gone

by Matthew Steeples

Iconic “Fawlty Towers-esque” Indian restaurant Gaylord in Mortimer Street, W1 permanently closes due to cockroach infestation After being served with a hygiene emergency prohibition notice in August due to it having a “serious infestation of cockroaches,” the iconic Indian restaurant Gaylord – with a motto of “tradition is always in” – has now sadly permanently closed. … Continue reading “Gaylord Gone”

September 29, 2019

Galactic Gall

by Matthew Steeples

Sir Richard Branson should be ashamed of himself for cashing in on Virgin Galactic’s flotation given the calamity it has already caused; investors would be advised to steer well clear When Virgin Galactic floats on the New York stock exchange for approximately £1.2 billion ($1.5 billion, €1.4 billion or درهم5.6billion) later this year, self-declared “entrepreneur” … Continue reading “Galactic Gall”

September 28, 2019

A Touring Tip

by Matthew Steeples

Extra-long wheelbase 1998 Rolls-Royce Silver Spur armoured touring limousine used in Equatorial Guinea for sale for a knock down price Presented in “dismantled condition” and “requiring extensive work to get it running,” a 1998 Rolls-Royce Silver Spur armoured touring limousine by H. J. Mulliner Park Ward is to be sold by Bonhams this Sunday. It … Continue reading “A Touring Tip”

Inching an Island

by Matthew Steeples

90 acre Scottish island for sale for less than the cost of a 212 square foot garage space in Knightsbridge, London Though a garage not even wide enough to fit a Rolls-Royce Phantom is currently for sale for £660 per square foot or £140,000 for a 38 year lease, you could buy an entire Scottish … Continue reading “Inching an Island”

Anth’ Swings Into Action

by Matthew Steeples

Will Anthea Turner’s chum Lizzie Cundy be joining her to swing into action with a Cadbury’s Flake at her forthcoming nuptials? Anthea Turner likes a chocolate bar. She particularly likes Cadbury’s Flakes and at her last wedding she and her beau began their union by shoving them into their gobs most enthusiastically.   Turner, the … Continue reading “Anth’ Swings Into Action”

September 27, 2019

Calm Yourselves

by Matthew Steeples

Angry politicians should learn from the stoicism of the jockey James Doyle and the judge Baroness Hale when it comes to handling abuse suggests Matthew Steeples Whilst the British media have gone into uproar about the abusive language used in Parliament in the last couple of days, this morning The Guardian’s Chris Cook highlighted a … Continue reading “Calm Yourselves”

September 26, 2019

Moron of the Moment – Madeleine Grant

by Matthew Steeples

“I don’t hack, I just have a great rack” rent-a-gob Madeleine Grant’s attack on Gina Miller is uncalled for and below the standard of what one expects from ‘The Telegraph’ The Telegraph’s Madeleine Grant uses the nickname ‘Madz’ on Twitter and that moniker definitely reflects her acerbic personality.   Aside from bizarrely describing herself as … Continue reading “Moron of the Moment – Madeleine Grant”

Mopping Up

by Matthew Steeples

One of the world’s highest paid actresses ludicrously asks for an electric mop on her wedding registry; this mucky madam plainly wants a role on “How Clean Is Your House?” Self-declared “actress and philanthropist” Jennifer Lawrence is best known for mendaciously moaning that a leak of her mucky nude photographs were a “sexual violation.”   … Continue reading “Mopping Up”

Quotes of the Week – 21st September 2019

by Matthew Steeples

A selection of amusing and odd remarks from the media classes including ones from Benjamin Butterworth, Lady Colin Campbell, Gemma Collins, John Crace, Darren Grimes and  Lindsay Lohan Benjamin Butterworth The journalist took to Twitter to respond to news that Mark Ronson considers himself a “sapiosexual” and thus “only shags educated women.” Butterworth tweeted:   … Continue reading “Quotes of the Week – 21st September 2019”

September 20, 2019

Effing Hunniford

by Matthew Steeples

‘Inglorious’ Gloria Hunniford yet again proves herself to be anything but the ‘national treasure’ she so often claims to be There is something most unpleasant about Gloria Hunniford. Aside from her obsession with constantly leaping to the defence of the creepy Christian crooner Sir Cliff Richard, this old harpy also used to be friendly with … Continue reading “Effing Hunniford”

Name & Shame – Mr. Gallows

by Matthew Steeples

Thug who yelled “to the gallows” at Gina Miller needs to be named and shamed Yesterday a mouse-not-a-man shouted “to the gallows” and “build a gallows” at Gina Miller as she left the Supreme Court.     Accompanied by a Burberry clad chav-like woman who was yelling: “Go f**king hang yourself,” this turd-like specimen subsequently … Continue reading “Name & Shame – Mr. Gallows”

September 19, 2019

It’s NOT Hilarious

by Matthew Steeples

As Michael Barrymore is branded “hilarious” and a “novelty” as he makes his TV comeback, we suggest there is no “comic impact” about this at all; what is required instead is justice for the late Stuart Lubbock Heterosexual and known as “a bit of a womaniser,” 31-year-old meat packing worker Stuart Lubbock died on the … Continue reading “It’s NOT Hilarious”

September 18, 2019

Superlative Stedcombe

by Matthew Steeples

Stunning Grade I listed symmetrical William and Mary country house in Devon with slave trade links for sale An “outstanding” William and Mary country house built with the profits from the slave trade by one Richard Hallett (died 1747), whose “Black Negro servant called Ando” was accused of rioting in the streets of Lyme Regis … Continue reading “Superlative Stedcombe”

Morons of the Moment – Sir Christopher and Baroness Meyer

by Matthew Steeples

Tedious twerps Sir Christopher and Baroness Meyer take to Twitter to berate those who dare criticise deviant liar Boris Johnson Mr. “I wasn’t nice to everyone” Sir Christopher Meyer KCMG was always pompous. His “Chanel-clad” wife always loved a good old charity knees up. Together they morphed into a monstrosity of epic arrogance and together … Continue reading “Morons of the Moment – Sir Christopher and Baroness Meyer”

September 17, 2019

Shame on The Sun

by Matthew Steeples

The Sun deserves to be condemned for their irrelevant ‘tell all’ about Ben Stokes’ family as does the Daily Mail for not correcting their inaccurate stories about James Stunt The Guardian’s editorial mocking David Cameron’s ability to grieve was rightly amended after falling “far short of [their] standards.” That they “apologise[d] completely” was correct, but … Continue reading “Shame on The Sun”

Highlights of LAPADA 2019

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples picks his highlights at the LAPADA 2019 art and antiques fair in Mayfair’s Berkeley Square on its penultimate day Today is the penultimate day of a somewhat different to previous LAPADA art and antiques fairs in London’s Berkeley Square in that I noted a dominance of smaller stands with ‘more’ affordable items than … Continue reading “Highlights of LAPADA 2019”

Me, Me, Me

by Matthew Steeples

Self-obsessed ‘MeGain’ refers to herself an astonishing 38 times during a speech to launch her overpriced fashion line The Duchess of Sussex is about one thing and that is herself. This former actress continues to act up and since marrying into the royal family has proven herself to be nothing but shameless. This week, however, … Continue reading “Me, Me, Me”

September 13, 2019

The Unkind Kingdom

by Matthew Steeples

As Michael Morpurgo condemns Britain as “nasty,” Matthew Steeples reports from the launch of Alexander Lebedev’s ‘Hunt the Banker’ where the author condemns Brexit also The British, a people once thought of for fair play and decency, have morphed into something “nasty” according to the renowned author Michael Morpurgo.   In an interview published today … Continue reading “The Unkind Kingdom”

September 12, 2019

Liar Boris

by Matthew Steeples

As it is confirmed Boris Johnson lied to the Queen about prorogation of Parliament, it is time for this pathological liar to just go People used to refer to Tony Blair as ‘B.Liar’ but now that moniker can be given to Boris Johnson also.   Johnson has lied to his wives, he’s lied to his … Continue reading “Liar Boris”

September 11, 2019

A News Nightmare

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples analyses how the mess that is Boris Johnson Britain has engulfed any impartiality the right wing press had left With The Telegraph even suggesting Boris Johnson resigning may be “his best option to deliver Brexit” in spite of the fact that would result in a Jeremy Corbyn led minority government, one realises that … Continue reading “A News Nightmare”

September 10, 2019

It’s Not Cricket

by Matthew Steeples

‘Lady Macbeth’ Theresa May’s resignation honour list is symbolic; it is symbolic of cronyism and the toxicity of those she associated with Shahmir Sanni claims not to care that Theresa May gave the man that outed him a peerage. Late last night, he tweeted about how Stephen Parkinson, his ex-lover and SPAD to May, existed … Continue reading “It’s Not Cricket”

Loudmouth Lizzie

by Matthew Steeples

Desperado Lizzie Cundy yet again proves she’ll do anything to get herself on the telly in calling the Duchess of Sussex “manipulative” Media whore Lizzie Cundy, like her tediously trivial ‘bestie’ Anthea Turner, will do just about anything to get herself on the telly box.   In appearing on Australia’s 60 Minutes to brand her … Continue reading “Loudmouth Lizzie”

September 9, 2019

A Bigmouth’s Castle

by Matthew Steeples

Scotland’s most expensive private residence for sale for 47% less than its 2005 asking price; it was designed by Robert Adam and is currently owned by self-made tech tycoons Sporting estates in Scotland often sell for big numbers and amongst their largest scale purchasers is the Danish billionaire Anders Holch Povlsen, a man who now … Continue reading “A Bigmouth’s Castle”

September 8, 2019

Anth’ Takes A Second Bite

by Matthew Steeples

Anthea Turner’s second wedding will forever be remembered for pictures of her biting into a Cadbury’s Flake; her third is going to be eternally linked to her fiancé’s policeman biting habit ‘Fuck I Used To Be Famous’ Anthea Turner seems to like to link her relationships to biting. At her union in 2000 to ‘Fuck … Continue reading “Anth’ Takes A Second Bite”

NAME & SHAME – A Wheel Pest

by Matthew Steeples

Dangerous single wheeled contraption spotted in Belgravia; like electric scooters it is illegal and should be banished from our streets In spite of there being enough trouble (and deaths) as a result of London being overrun by illegal – on both the pavements and the roads – electric scooters, a lesser known dangerous contraption is … Continue reading “NAME & SHAME – A Wheel Pest”

Motoring Elegance

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples selects highlights from the 2019 Concours of Elegance at Hampton Court Palace Today marks the final day of what has become one of the most elegant of events for car lovers in Britain, the Concours of Elegance at Hampton Court Palace in East Molesey, Surrey. Established in 2012, the 2019 event includes 60 … Continue reading “Motoring Elegance”

September 5, 2019

Bang On Betty

by Matthew Steeples

In spite of her ill health, Betty Boothroyd’s intervention is illustrative that it is not just the young that don’t want Brexit Belgravia resident The Rt. Hon. Baroness Boothroyd OM, PC, Hon. FSLL – better known simply as Betty Boothroyd – is a formidable lady of stature. Known to be a firm but fair speaker … Continue reading “Bang On Betty”

September 4, 2019

Eating Over The Cliff

by Matthew Steeples

Sir Cliff Richard wins a phallic victory against the BBC and remains left out of pocket; elsewhere the condescening crooner went overboard with a menu that included three salmon dishes When he’s not crying on his kitchen floor or observing the yellow ribbons on his gates, the sanctimonious Christian crooner Sir Cliff Richard is likely … Continue reading “Eating Over The Cliff”

The Magic Twenty-One

by Matthew Steeples

As the Conservative Party lurches to become “The Brexit Party (Rebadged)” we salute the twenty-one decent MPs who stood up to Boris Johnson Moderate Conservatism died last night when Boris Johnson childishly chucked out twenty-one MPs who did the right thing and rebelled against the runaway lunacy he was trying to impose on Parliament.   … Continue reading “The Magic Twenty-One”

September 3, 2019

Potty Lottie

by Matthew Steeples

Lowbrow lavatory frisker and all-round irrelevance Lottie Moss yet again makes a fool of herself by desperately selling fake news to ‘The Sun’ “I feel like I’m Hannah Montana” somewhat nuttily announced the motormouth ‘model’ Lottie Moss in a “diary” for Vogue in May 2017.   Having dated a little known Made In Chelsea dimwit … Continue reading “Potty Lottie”

A Planted Prat

by Matthew Steeples

That Lewis Hamilton has chosen to open a “planet friendly” restaurant is surely a joke given his penchant for gas guzzlers Lewis Hamilton is best known for going fast in gas guzzlers, but now it seems this ‘paper hat’ has found a conscience and joined ‘PJ’ loving Prince Harry and his wife in going on … Continue reading “A Planted Prat”

September 2, 2019

Meg’s Murky Mess

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples suggests Thomas Markle is right to call out his daughter’s antics for what they are: Ridiculous ‘MeGain’ (AKA The Duchess of Sussex) is allegedly jetting off to shores distant. Whilst many will be relieved that she could possibly be going to Africa or back to her native United States, one person who is … Continue reading “Meg’s Murky Mess”

September 1, 2019

Picture of the Week – Bankrupt Belgravia

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples condemns Westminster Council, landowners Grosvenor and others for doing little to nothing to help the homeless in Belgravia Most days I go to Sainsbury’s in Elizabeth Street, Belgravia. This store, situated at what some might call “the wrong end of one of Britain’s most expensive residential neighbourhoods,” is a shop where genteel locals … Continue reading “Picture of the Week – Bankrupt Belgravia”

Beautiful Butlins

by Matthew Steeples

Much photographed North Norfolk windmill that was the childhood home of the crooner James Blunt for sale for £2.9 million Known for his directness on Twitter and either loved or loathed for his 2004 debut song You’re Beautiful, the Norfolk childhood home of James Blunt has recently been placed for sale for £2.9 million.   … Continue reading “Beautiful Butlins”

August 31, 2019

The Priorities of Parliament

by Matthew Steeples

As the annual dog show for MPs is cancelled, perhaps it is time MPs actually did something useful instead – put a stop to the chaos of Brexit Diddums for expense loving, do nothing useful MPs: The Westminster Dog of the Year show has been cancelled.   This annual outing – which is surprisingly not where … Continue reading “The Priorities of Parliament”

August 30, 2019

The John & Gina Show

by Matthew Steeples

Gina Miller creates a double act by pairing up with former Prime Minister Sir John Major to stop Boris Johnson proroguing Parliament Yet again Gina Miller has pulled it off. Not only did she yesterday get the High Court to accept that her legal case needed to proceed, but today she slam dunked it and … Continue reading “The John & Gina Show”

Wally of the Week – Ben Fogle

by Matthew Steeples

Ben Fogle yet again shows himself to be utterly off his merry rocker in blabbering on about ‘hopepunk’ and comparing himself to a Labrador suggests Matthew Steeples ‘Hopepunk’ has been embraced by Ben Fogle. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve never heard of it (nor had I until this morning), but that it has been … Continue reading “Wally of the Week – Ben Fogle”

August 29, 2019

Bog Off Brazen Boris

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples suggests Boris Johnson proroguing parliament is an outrage; he comes out in support of the High Court challenge by Gina Miller – who is elsewhere backed by James Stunt We previously warned that 2019 could be a worse year for our monarch than 1992 and now that prediction seems ever truer. Not only … Continue reading “Bog Off Brazen Boris”

August 27, 2019

Dawn Boobs (Again)

by Matthew Steeples

Creosoted creature Dawn Ward snapped in fetish gear after encouraging her poor child to have a boob job­­ Dimwitted Dawn Ward is at it again. This tasteless vulgarian – this time in the company of another so-called ‘reality star’ and lump of plastic named Gemma Collins – published a picture of herself in the South … Continue reading “Dawn Boobs (Again)”

August 25, 2019

The Dirty Diplomat

by Matthew Steeples

Belgravia hotel which counts the helmet haired racist bigot Marie-Claire, Baroness von Alvensleben amongst its residents condemned for being utterly disgusting If you want sweetcorn with your full English breakfast and don’t mind finding previous occupants’ hair in the shower, head to The Diplomat Hotel in Chesham Street, Belgravia. Home for a number of years … Continue reading “The Dirty Diplomat”

August 24, 2019

Turfing Out The Trash

by Matthew Steeples

The royal family needs to wash its hands of its hangers on suggests Matthew Steeples With even the staunchly royalist Daily Mail condemning Prince Andrew and his on-off ex-wife, Zara Tindall and the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, one has to question the need for the royal family.   Whilst Prince Charles and his delightful … Continue reading “Turfing Out The Trash”

August 23, 2019

Name & Shame – The Liar Bird

by Matthew Steeples

Liverpudlian Esther McVey MP  offends the city of her birth by supporting ‘The Sun’ In Liverpool The Sun is banned. In this part of Britain the legacy of how that paper covered the Hillsborough disaster and the death of 96 people is still raw.   Esther McVey MP, born in Liverpool in October 1967, however, … Continue reading “Name & Shame – The Liar Bird”

August 22, 2019

Murky Max

by Matthew Steeples

Max Clifford’s toxic legacy lives on in the form of his equally mucky daughter and her firm Borne Media We all thought we’d heard the last of the thankfully dead compulsive liar and paedophile Max Clifford, but with revelations that Jeff Brazier claims that this disgrace turned Jade Goody’s final days “into a circus” we … Continue reading “Murky Max”

August 20, 2019

Hypocrite Harry

by Matthew Steeples

That the hypocrite Prince Harry and his tedious twerp of a wife have come to rely on Sir Elton John to defend them about sums up how ghastly they truly are suggests Matthew Steeples Prince Harry used to be the kind of guy one would enjoy having a pint of beer with. He was fun … Continue reading “Hypocrite Harry”

August 19, 2019

Pigeon Bernie

by Matthew Steeples

Bernie Ecclestone finally finds himself some ‘friends’; Prince Charles talks to plants, Bernie Ecclestone talks to pigeons Most people consider city pigeons – but certainly not their country cousins, the wood pigeon – to be pests. Some would go as far as to term them “flying rats,” but plainly Bernie Ecclestone feels to the contrary. … Continue reading “Pigeon Bernie”

August 18, 2019

The Duchess of Dimness

by Matthew Steeples

That Sarah, Duchess of York posed for pictures with a man accused of sexual offences at a time when her ex-husband’s links to dead padeophile Jeffrey Epstein are under scrutiny is shocking; that she leaves them on Instagram only further emphasises her stupidity Allegedly summoned to Balmoral last week for a “bollocking” alongside her plainly … Continue reading “The Duchess of Dimness”

Anth’s August Antics

by Matthew Steeples

That three newspapers chose to run a story about ‘f**k, I used to be famous’ Anthea Turner finding a toyboy is proof that the ‘silly season’ is in full swing You know the ‘silly season’ is in full swing when The Sun, the Mail on Sunday and the Mirror all run features about Cadbury’s Flake … Continue reading “Anth’s August Antics”

August 17, 2019

Cheap in Chelsea

by Matthew Steeples

Chelsea apartment for sale for just £140,000; there is, of course, a catch A studio flat has gone on sale in Britten Street, Chelsea, SW3 for just £140,000 ($170,000, €153,000 or درهم625,000). Offered by agents Douglas & Gordon, the 302 square foot, second floor apartment comprises of a studio room, kitchen and bathroom. It is … Continue reading “Cheap in Chelsea”

Maxwell Moves On

by Matthew Steeples

Murky madam Ghislaine Maxwell spotted munching on a burger whilst reading a book about deaths linked to the CIA Hiding out in the Cundy Street Flats in Belgravia didn’t work out for Ghislaine Maxwell. Plainly the allure of lunching on French food at the neighbouring La Poule au Pot just wasn’t enough for Epstein’s teenager … Continue reading “Maxwell Moves On”

August 14, 2019

The Aisle Eater

by Matthew Steeples

Britain’s most upmarket supermarket gets a visit from a woman who likes to help herself and eat in the aisles (in the presence of the racist bigot Marie-Claire, Baroness von Alvensleben even) One can excuse a bored-out-of-their-brain child for helping itself to a bit of fruit or some sweets as its parent or nanny drag … Continue reading “The Aisle Eater”

A Bitter Cabriolet

by Matthew Steeples

Rare (and noisy) 1990 cabriolet created by a man named Mr Bitter for sale Natty Kensington dealer Graeme Hunt is known for selling the finest cars, but currently he has something extremely rare, a convertible created by the little known firm Bitter. Founded by a former racing driver named Erich Bitter in Schwelm, Germany in … Continue reading “A Bitter Cabriolet”

With Friends Like These…

by Matthew Steeples

Ghislaine Maxwell’s relationships with sexual deviants were not limited to just Jeffrey Epstein; she was previously linked to former MP Harvey ‘Whacko’ Proctor It turns out that the former MP and convicted criminal Harvey Proctor – found guilty of gross indecency with teenagers in 1986 – is linked to Ghislaine Maxwell via his former employer, … Continue reading “With Friends Like These…”

Moron of the Moment – Dick Braine

by Matthew Steeples

New UKIP leader Dick Braine is deservedly mocked for his unfortunate name, but the reality is that he’s deranged and delusional There are people with unfortunate names – an example being a petrol station manager named Dick Assman (nickname: ‘Assman the Gasman’) – and then there’s Dick Braine.   Software developer and photographer turned politician … Continue reading “Moron of the Moment – Dick Braine”

August 13, 2019

Tiggers & Angels

by Matthew Steeples

New wine tribes identified as ‘Tiggers’ and ‘Angels’ reports Matthew Steeples; both are to be avoided at all costs (unless you are the modern day Boycie)   The label ‘Tigger’ was for a short time earlier this year given to those who’d defected from various parties to form what proved to be the utterly shambolic … Continue reading “Tiggers & Angels”

August 12, 2019

Where’s Ghislaine?

by Matthew Steeples

Could ‘Good Time Ghislaine’ Maxwell be living it up in Belgravia in the wake of the ‘suiciding’ of the billionaire paedophile Jeffrey Epstein? It’s not: “Where’s Wally?” this week, but more: “Where’s Ghislaine?” in the wake of the supposed suicide, ‘suiciding’ (or could it even be disappearance to WITSEC) of the monster Jeffrey Epstein.   … Continue reading “Where’s Ghislaine?”

Glorious for a Grouse Moor

by Matthew Steeples

Rare Aston Martin shooting brake to be sold at auction in California; it would be the perfect vehicle to arrive at a grouse moor in today Today is the ‘Glorious Twelfth’ in Britain and anybody headed to a grouse moor could do worse than to turn up in “the ultimate gentleman’s express,” a 1965 Aston … Continue reading “Glorious for a Grouse Moor”

August 11, 2019

Ambar’s Antics

by Matthew Steeples

Pavement pest Ambar Zohra just cannot help herself; that she encourages people to threaten others proves how ghastly this little madam truly is Ambar Zohra got herself into trouble by smashing into a pensioner in Walton Street, Chelsea on a mobile weapon known as a ‘pavement scooter.’ This foul-mouthed wench then launched into a tirade … Continue reading “Ambar’s Antics”

August 9, 2019

Amazing Profanity

by Matthew Steeples

John Newton of ‘Amazing Grace’ fame was the world’s most accomplished swearer In a most fascinating letter to The Times yesterday, Sister Hilda Mary Baumberg of St Michael’s Convent, Gerrards Cross revealed that the English slave ship captain turned abolitionist and Anglican clergyman John Newton (1725 – 1807) was quite possibly the most accomplished swearer … Continue reading “Amazing Profanity”

August 8, 2019

Hero of the Hour – Sir Nicholas Soames MP

by Matthew Steeples

Churchill’s grandson Sir Nicholas Soames shares wise words just as ‘The Telegraph ’bizarrely tips Ken Clarke as Britain’s next Prime Minister It sadly won’t likely happen, but Sir Nicholas Soames ought to be our next Prime Minister.   Weirdly, this morning, the once great but now the deranged and increasingly right leaning The Telegraph suggested: … Continue reading “Hero of the Hour – Sir Nicholas Soames MP”

A Double Starter

by Matthew Steeples

Rare 1964 Citroën 2CV Sahara 4×4 complete with two starters to be auctioned; it was originally designed to be a “low priced car”  but is now anything but One of just 694 made and one of around only 27 still in existence, a rare 1964 Citroën 2CV Sahara 4×4 will be sold at auction in … Continue reading “A Double Starter”

August 6, 2019

A Royal Borough Rotter – Councillor Matthew Palmer

by Matthew Steeples

Conservative RBKC councillor Matthew Palmer exposed as a rotter and hypocrite; he’s even caught campaigning for the Brexit Party A tubby Tory councillor named Matthew Palmer is best known for having mouthed: “Do not let them in” on camera when Grenfell Tower protestors tried to enter Kensington Town Hall in July 2017. This insensitive berk … Continue reading “A Royal Borough Rotter – Councillor Matthew Palmer”

August 5, 2019

A Louche Limo

by Matthew Steeples

1966 Mercedes-Benz 600 sedan complete with ‘Jimmy Savile-esque’ fold-down bed to be auctioned; it was created for the eccentric Armenian oil magnate Nubar Gulbenkian Santa Claus lookalike and all-round extravagant Nubar Gulbenkian (1896 – 1972) – his father sued him over him charging a single sandwich to petty cash and ended up with a legal … Continue reading “A Louche Limo”

August 4, 2019

Borwick Binned

by Matthew Steeples

Kensington Conservatives bin ivory loving Lady Borwick in favour of local socialite and Brexiteer ‘Flicka’ Buchan Lady ‘Call Me Victoria’ Borwick was quite bad enough in that she did nothing for the homeless and supported (and still supports) the ivory trade, but now Kensington Conservatives have done it again by selecting yet another pro-Brexit candidate. … Continue reading “Borwick Binned”

August 3, 2019

Crowdfunding Carole

by Matthew Steeples

The Steeple Times urges readers to support the crowdfunding campaign to help the courageous journalist Carole Cadwalladr see off the nasty piece of work that is Arron Banks This morning, Nigel Farage – after his Brexit Party’s rather pathetic performance in Brecon & Radnorshire on Thursday – was featured in an article in the Daily … Continue reading “Crowdfunding Carole”

August 2, 2019

Banishing Boris

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples suggests Boris Johnson must face up to the fact that his majority is likely to disappear Last night after the Lib Dems stormed to victory in Brecon & Radnorshire (with 44% of the vote share), Boris Johnson’s majority in parliament was reduced to just one.   Hailed as a blow to Johnson’s ridiculous … Continue reading “Banishing Boris”

August 1, 2019

EXCLUSIVE – Unrestrained Stunt

by Matthew Steeples

Restraint order against businessman James Stunt lifted The media – well, the Daily Mail and The Sun – enthusiastically and somewhat obsessively reported news of a restraint order having being issued against James Stunt.   Unsurprisingly, given their bias against this businessman, they have not, however, seen fit to remark on the fact that this … Continue reading “EXCLUSIVE – Unrestrained Stunt”

July 31, 2019

Hero of the Hour – Khadijah Mellah

by Matthew Steeples

First jockey to race in a hijab, Peckham teenager Khadijah Mellah brings fresh blood to racing and will make history tomorrow Educated at Sydenham High School and a member of the Ebony Horse Club – which describes itself as “transforming young lives through horses in south London’s most disadvantaged communities” – in Brixton, 18-year-old Khadijah … Continue reading “Hero of the Hour – Khadijah Mellah”

July 30, 2019

Justice for Poko

by Matthew Steeples

Evil poachers who killed Poko the elephant have been caught and now face up to seven years in prison Poko, one of four inseparable members of the bachelor herd of elephants in Kasangu National Park in Malawi, was recently massacred by poachers, but the good news is that the two perpetrators have now be caught … Continue reading “Justice for Poko”

July 29, 2019

Murky Mucky’s Magazine Mess

by Matthew Steeples

Matthew Steeples suggests the Duchess of Sussex ought to give up any ambition to become a magazine editor The Duchess of Sussex just cannot help herself. This mendacious meddler, in guest editing an edition of Vogue, has again shown herself to be nothing but ridiculous.   In response to this pointless piece of non-journalism, Jan … Continue reading “Murky Mucky’s Magazine Mess”

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