Jeremy Clarkson rightly suggests that Prince Andrew should do two things: Shut up and bugger off
Just as alleged abuse victim Virginia Roberts suggested Prince Andrew should hear “the sound of shackles tied round his ankles on the way to the tower” instead of bells, Jeremy Clarkson has this morning used his column in The Sun to give the Queen’s favourite son some most sensible advice.
In it, Clarkson points out:
“When Caroline Flack was arrested and charged for allegedly battering her boyfriend, I remember thinking, ‘Ooh, that’s interesting.’”
“And then straight away I started wondering about the more important things in life such as: What shall I have for breakfast?”
“I think that she ended up in court and I have it in my mind that she pleaded not guilty.”
“I’m also fairly sure that she’s not allowed to speak with her boyfriend until the case comes to court. But I can’t be sure, as I have other things to think about like: I need some new trousers.”
“Then out of the blue she announced on social media that she was going to speak out because ‘mine and my families life is no longer up for entertainment or gossip.’”
“’Wow,’ I thought. ‘That’s amazing. She doesn’t know how to use apostrophes.’”
“It turns out, however, that while she can’t write properly, she can at least think straight because she never did speak out. Which means she stopped the story from rearing up again.”
“If only Prince Andrew was as bright. We were all dimly aware that he knew a man in America who’d had lots of sex with young girls.”
“And that one day, this man had been found dead in a police cell. Then we went back to wondering if we needed more washing-up liquid.”
“Prince Andrew, however, decided that instead of letting the story die down by not saying anything, he’d go on television to set the record straight.”
“It was a disaster. He was suddenly front-page news all over the world and he looked guilty as hell.”
“Of what, we weren’t sure. But whatever it was, we all worked out that as he has a Bentley, he could definitely have got from a Pizza Express restaurant in Woking to the centre of London in less than six hours.”
“A few weeks later, as the story was withering once more, Hank J. Dieselburger, an American prosecutor involved in the dead sex-man’s case, announced that the FBI had received ‘zero co-operation’ from Prince Andrew.”
“You’d think Andrew would have learned from his earlier mistake. You’d think he’d do a Flack and say nothing.”
“But no. The very next day, ‘friends’ of the Prince – which is another way of saying “the Prince” – went on the attack, telling reporters he was angry and bewildered. “They haven’t even approached me – I mean him.’”
“The problem is that ego-fed celebrities read every single thing that is written about them. And they believe everyone else is reading everything, as well.”
“We aren’t. We don’t really care. So when you attempt to clear your name, it’s like trying to put out a fire with petrol.”
“It’s better for Andrew, and the whole Royal Family, if he takes a leaf from singer Ronan Keating’s book – “You say it best, when you say nothing at all.’”
“Then, perhaps, he could take a leaf from his nephew’s book. And bugger off to Canada.”
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