Classic clangers from the last week
Getting placed
Estate agent at the Belgraves hotel in Belgravia to a Russian client: “Marbella… It’s straight down the mountain”. Russian: “Not for me”. Agent: “You could make a lot of money”. Russian: “No… I want focus on Eaton Square, I want only the Eaton Square”. Agent’s Indian colleague: “Come on, come on… The only way is Marbella”. Russian: “What the f**k do you know?” Someone got put in her place.
Taking control
Motivational coach to client in the Bulgari Hotel in Knightsbridge: “I would like you to commit to a dinner at 7pm next Thursday. I would like the table booked at 7pm. Try and be finished at 9pm. It will make a difference. Let’s make sure you sit down at 7pm. You don’t have to say you’ll have to be finished at 9pm but when it is time, tell him. Develop some tools, learn to control as a partner. Learn that you control the world. Presentation is about ‘yes’ not ‘no’ and ‘when to go’. Got it? La Famiglia is perfect. It has so much organic food and it is largely fish. You can control with fish. Got it? No butter, no garlic. A girl in control avoids such things. Half a bottle of wine maximum, lots of water. Got it? The other thing that is nice to do is order Dover sole. It shows panache and that you’re in control”. The client remained silent.
Banking an Indian
An Indian 60-something in Il Baretto restaurant in Marylebone: “My husband’s been dead 18 weeks and I’m already getting hit on by 20-something year olds”. “Really?” responded her male companion. “They all want a mummy figure”, she added. “No”, he answered: “They just want your bank balance”.
Dodgy dating
Two ladies that lunch in Colbert on Sloane Square sat discussing their love lives. One said: “I went on The Telegraph’s dating site in the hope of finding a gentleman. What did I get?” The other: “Tell me”. The dater: “A man who took me out for four months but failed to reveal something quite important”. “What was that?” came the reply. “He was married”. “How did you find out?” answered the dater. “His wife rang me and she was utterly charming”. Naturally, the dodgy dater got ditched.
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