Classic clangers from the last week
A WKD social worker
“I can feel some tablets coming on”, stated one social worker to another on a train from London to Whitstable. “I can’t believe I’m doing this”, he continued: “We’re peer pressuring one another”. His female colleague answered: “Give me a WKD [a type of alcopop]. I’ll open it with my teeth”. The male responded: “I can feel an abscess coming on… I’ll down that WKD. It’s sugary. Better than bloody lemonade”. Keep these two well away from the children.
Liberally buggered
“I read the obituary of Lady Soames”, a pensioner was overheard to say to his wife at the Mona Lisa café in Kings Road. He continued: “I thought: ‘God, why don’t they make them like this anymore’ and then I realised our Deputy Prime Minister is still Nick Clegg. No wonder Britain’s buggered”. God help us all.
Lambo’ing the NHS
At Zafferano in Lowndes Street, a solicitor was overheard conversing with his wife and two friends. He commented: “Nigel Farage: I quite like him but I wish do something to make sure there might be a better service from the NHS in Knightsbridge”. What does he want? A Lamborghini ambulance?
Banking the rent
A redheaded English banker at the trendy Chiltern Firehouse was heard to remark: “Americans do find any excuse to tell you they’re much richer than you”. His American guest looked startled, but still he droned on: “My New Yorker tenant in Belgravia told me she owns a LARGE townhouse opposite Meryl Streep back home when we were negotiating the rent recently. Did I look bothered? No, instead I told her: ‘Your rent’s doubled’. She still paid up”. So much for the ‘Special Relationship’.
Screwing the law
An American property magnate was overheard chatting with his Arabic friend at Aspinall’s in Mayfair. Of planning a poker game, he stated: “Always get doctors and lawyers involved. They think they’re cleverer than the rest of us. They’re not. They’re the easiest to screw as a result”.
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