A Wary Eye

Matthew Steeples reflects on the losing campaign he supported in the 2019 General Election and what will come next; here he gives ten outtakes from the result

This morning on Adam Boulton’s All Out Politics on Sky News, Matthew Paris confirmed what all remainers already knew in stating: “We lost.” He then added: “And now we’ll be keeping a wary eye on Boris Johnson.”

Now, after reflecting for several days on our catastrophic defeat, I share ten outtakes from the result:

‘Bosie The Clown’ now OWNS BREXIT:

With a stonking majority, Boris Johnson now has nobody else to blame but himself when Brexit negotiations prove difficult. He can push through whatever he wants in parliament and he can do so unhindered. He owns Brexit and he has to take responsibility for it. When we’re still in a desperate mess in five years’ time, he and Esther McVey’s ‘Blue Collar Conservatives’ better still be claiming ownership.

MORE PEOPLE VOTED FOR REMAIN PARTIES:

The first past the post system again produced a result where collectively 52% of the votes cast went to pro-remain and second referendum backing parties. This “turnaround of attitude” sadly wasn’t reflected in the allocation of seats.

Corbyn GOT WHAT HE REALLY WANTED:

Jeremy Corbyn was not the big loser in this campaign. His decision to not commit to either supporting leave or remain reflected his thirty year dream. The Labour leader genuinely wanted Brexit and now the man who’d announced he wouldn’t move into Downing Street if he had won has finally got what he really wanted: An isolationist Britain.

Swinson was a DISASTER:

Jo Swinson simply didn’t get it. Her support for all women cabinets (placing gender over talent) was stupid enough, but her decision to campaign for revoke was a move too far. Many remainers even thought that too much and indeed it was. The Liberal Democrats have been wiped out and now need only a minibus to get themselves around. With Simon Jenkins even calling on them to disband, their time is sadly up.

Farage was SELFISH:

Nigel Farage and his business the Brexit Party Ltd. did not act in the national interest. They cost Boris Johnson another twenty seats and Farage hid himself away knowing his operation would not actually win a single seat. Farage will likely get himself a peerage and his grubby source of income will now doubt be bolstered no end.

Nicola Sturgeon REELED IN THE CATCH:

Wee Jimmy Krankie’s bodydouble was a true winner of the campaign. She and the Scottish National Party can no longer be locked away in a cupboard. ‘The Sturgeon Fish’ will be the true thorn in the side of ‘Bosie The Clown’s’ government.

The moment for MOMENTUM WILL DESTROY LABOUR:

The days on the loony left are back. Sir Keir Starmer and Tony Blair are right to call this out, but as Corbyn has flooded his party with Momentum-ites, the likelihood is that moderates will lose control of Labour.

Diane Abbott proved herself a DIMWIT (again):

The numerically challenged wannabe Home Secretary and shagger of Jeremy Corbyn didn’t even manage to put her shoes on properly. This time she definitely put two left feet in the proverbial.

May is STILL WANDERING IN THE WHEATFIELDS:

Theresa May, in an interview on Sky, denied that ‘Bosie The Clown’ had managed to deliver where she’d failed. She yet again banged on about how “Brexit means Brexit” and made a total pillock of herself. Perhaps it is time ‘Mrs MaybeNOT’ let her hubby ‘The Garden Gnome’ finally do his “boy’s job” and put her out with the rubbish.

BUCKETHEAD BEAT BINFACE:

Lord Buckethead got more votes than Count Binface in Uxbridge and South Ruislip. Nobody ever anticipated any other outcome.

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