Classic clangers from the last week
Confusing ‘whore’ and’ here’
A businessman standing at Euston Station was approached by a Chinese tourist who asked: “Where do you get whore?” The startled businessman answered: “I have no idea”. The Chinese man answered: “I is lost”. The businessman: “Ah, I see. I thought you wanted a prostitute”. The Chinese man went red and punched the other man.
You sad cow
A woman in the Eclipse bar in Walton Street to her female friend: “I didn’t have a relationship for five years and now I want one”. Her companion responded: “I’ve been single for eight years and I love it”. The first woman answered: “You sad cow”.
LA chicken
A British businessman at Aubaine in South Kensington: “I was vegetarian for over 10 years but when I was in LA, I ate chicken because it’s so healthy there”. “Really? No, I don’t think so”, responded his surprised companion. “The American food industry is the most unhealthy in the world. That’s the truth”. “You’re wrong”, said the chicken loving veggie: “LA chicken is just the dog’s bollocks”.
Tropically blonde
A conversation between two very tanned blondes at the Hospital for Tropical Diseases was overheard by one of our readers. Blonde 1: “I can’t believe I’m sitting an NHS waiting room”. Blonde 2: “At least everyone knows you’ve been somewhere exotic and tropical. They don’t treat just any common illness here”. Our source: “Absolutely girls. I contracted my parasite in Sussex”. Blonde 1: “Do you mean there’s a Sussex in Australia?”. Our source nearly choked.
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Overheard in a centre for aged. Two Elderly gentleman were discussing the youth and quoting John Tapene.
Tapene a former college principal offered the following words from a judge who regularly dealt with the youth.
“Always we hear the cry from teenagers “What can we do, Where can we go?
My answer is this; Go home, mow the lawn, wash the windows, learn to cook, build a raft, get a job, visit the sick, study your lessons and after you are done, read a book.
Your community and town does not owe you recreational facilities and your parents do not owe you fun.
The world does not owe you a living, you owe the world something, you owe it your time, energy and talent so that no one will be at war, in sickness and lonely again. In other words grow up stop being a cry baby, get out of your dream world and develop a backbone not a wishbone. Behave responsible. Sadly teenagers today have too many rights, and with these rights comes the sense of entitlement. Chris Grayling and Nick Clegg will buy them more Smart Televisions and Play Stations in the youth offending institutions.
Surely this is not an apocryphal story (surely!)
A young man is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl sitting alone at a table: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON ‘T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students in the library started staring at the man who was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the young man’s table and said with a laugh “I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I’m sure you felt embarrassed, right?”
The man then responded with a loud voice:
“£250 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT’S MUCH TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The young man whispered in her ear: “I study law, and I really know how to screw people”.