My wife is one of the most beautiful women in the world but when I tell her how beautiful she looks and what an amazing derriere she sports, her response is to quizzically respond and ask what I am after. The answer, of course, is that I am after the receipts. How can I convince her that I really am interested in her clothes and her great beauty and thus get what I really want?
David A., Highclere, Berkshire
Have her find you in her clothes when she least expects you to be at home. She will then know you are interested in her clothes.
My lover of three years dumped me yesterday. He told me he just wants to be friends. He is now in a new relationship. What should I do?
Confused of Chelsea, SW3
He does not want to be friends. He has just pushed you out of a moving car and asked if you want to get back in the boot. He’ll then lock it. He is a) feeling guilty, b) is not sure about his new relationship and c) his ego wants to know he still has a hold over you. If he wants to know how you are, tell him to follow him on Twitter. And, please, don’t follow back.
My lover likes to tie me up and I don’t like it. What should I do?
Sharmaine P., Westminster, SW1
Short answer: Tell him you don’t like it.
Long answer: Suggest meeting at lunchtime one day in a hotel after you’ve done a workout. Somewhere like The Metropolitan (famous for the Boris Becker broom cupboard ‘moment’ might do nicely). Make sure you’ve taken in lots of fluids (not alcohol so water or soft drinks). Suggest you tie him up first and then leave him there gagged. Only do this if you don’t want to ever see him again.
TOWIE girls or Made in Chelsea girls: Which are best?
Undecided of Fulham, SW6
Do you mean as personalities or sexually? I take it you mean a bit of everything so I’ll begin with Chelsea girls. They’re like cream: thick, rich and taken by themselves bland and sickening. Deep down they’re insubstantial and don’t eat (or cream themselves). They have authentic Sapphic tendencies but pretend it’s for the boys.
Essex girls are like mopeds. You may not like to be seen with them but they are much more fun to ride. They give good head because they enjoy it. They don’t have Sapphic tendencies and they just pretend they do to fulfill the boy’s fantasies.
My wife always makes love with her eyes closed. Is she thinking about someone else?
Harold E., Morpeth, Northumberland
Yes.
Mrs MILF is lady with a cupcake and a whip who’ll solve all your problems be they in the bedroom department or elsewhere.
Mrs MILF welcomes your questions for her weekly column. Please submit them to her via [email protected]. She does not enter into individual correspondence and she won’t visit your home for personal consultations. Some names have been changed to protect the modesty of the individuals and their problems.
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Esra Siebra a former business associate, not only had a phobia for undergarments, he was very shy of the opposite sex. He could not verbally interact with women, he was very uncomfortable in the company of attractive females, his instinct was to clear off in any which way.
Esra came out of his apartment building in Jerusalem, his destination was the local market, where he procures his fruit and vegetables, a neighbours daughter approached him, she stated, “Mr Siebra, have you seen this morning what happened in Haiti” Esra responded “I see fuck all, I live in the far back of the building”. He was perceived as a very rude ,and unkind man. He was not, he was bloody shy.
Perhaps, Mrs Milf can shed some light on this.
My friends wife is gorgeous and my wife doesnt trust her. How should I suggest a foursome when my wife is drunk