Classic clangers from the last week
Seeing orange
American housewife turned (self-appointed) ‘interior decorator’ in a Chelsea café: “I’m so bored right now but I’m starting to love orange. I love tangerine too. It’s the only colour. It’s like the Sochi Olympics. It’s like champagne. Just so addictive. Just so addictive”. Her bemused friend’s response was simple: “OK”.
The badly advised party princess
“It’s my party”, shouts a 30-something year old French-Egyptian ‘party princess’ into her mobile at a hotel overlooking Green Park. “It’s 2pm today… My party… My party… I’ll be announcing something big at 3pm. Be here… Be here…” 2pm came: Barely a handful had turned up. 3pm passed: “I can’t believe it”, she screamed. Her hapless PR had put the wrong date on the invite. Someone’s copybook is blotted.
Dogging the tube
Overheard by PR maestro Elizabeth Dellert Walder on a train: “’Mine’s a shnug”. “Really? Mine’s a cocktease”, came the response. Proof that dog bonding can happen just about anywhere.
Future earning potential
Overheard in the loo of a Mayfair nightclub (girls in a boys’ loo): “I think Abdul’s very sweet and incredibly generous”, says Standard Pleasure Model number 1 (a voluptuous blonde). SPM number 2 responds: “But what do you think of Mohammed?” SPM1: “Well he’s cute, but it’s not like he can ‘provide’ like Abdul can, all that Cristal he sprays around the place”. SPM2: “Yes, I know what you mean but he’s definitely got FEP”. “What’s FEP?” responds SPM1. “Oh darling, FEP, of course, you know, future earning potential” concludes SPM2. Baroness Shackleton most likely has this particular loo bugged.
Effing weddings
An “I’m incredibly rich” Indian 20-something in The Blue Bar at The Berkeley Hotel to a female friend from Los Angeles: “I can’t f***king believe Thomas won’t let me bring a date to his wedding. He loves it when I bring a date. He loved it last time. He ended up f**king her. He knows I’ll bring one anyway. He knows what he’ll do with her”. This chap should have been given a role in Four Weddings and a Funeral.
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Overheard in a Frankie and Benny’s restaurant in Broadstairs Kent, “Two men sitting in a booth near the grill were having a feisty argument. “I want the Marks and Spencer tie, I gave you for Christmas back, he shouted” His friend responded ” It was a gift, you are not having it back. “I want it back, all the same” His friend at this point, wasn’t havening anymore “he shouted, you are not having it back, you can kiss my ass” The atmosphere in the restaurant was so tense you could cut it with a knife. What did you say? “I said, Kiss my ass” The man stood up and shouted ” I don’t want to make friends with you, I just want my fucking tie back”.
Overheard in a Mike’s Kitchen Restaurant in Sandton Johannesburg. A new anxiety disorder has taken grip of South Africa; “Pistotitis” The fear of having a shit at your boyfriend’s house.